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"And you're back in the room."
Jun. 27th, 2008 09:21 pmAh, Alton Towers. On the comedown, so my head is still rolling about on psychic rollercoasters, but overall was very, very good.
The cottages that our GM found for us - a bundle of kickass joy who is extremely fun - were clean, comfortable and beautiful, with amazing views of rolling green hills and more stars at night than I've ever seen. It was a wonderful feeling of puzzlement to meet people for the first time that I already considered friends, though because we'd fought together there was none of that first time nervousness. In fact, there was a wonderful air of congeniality, and when we weren't wandering in and out of each other's places we were sitting by the tomato plants, chatting about nothing in particular until false dawn. The plans for the next meet are already being worked out.
I also found one of the TST guildies - we'll call him Sarge - is possessed of largeness, gentleness and a geeky intelligence, all of which push my buttons a fair bit, and much hugging ensued. I'm very surprised that that the rest of the guild haven't grilled me or him yet, despite that I never used the condoms I found in my rucksack, but I'm sure it'll happen - just as I am sure that we are all firm friends now, with all the chatting and support that this entails. It looks like I may be hosting one of them overnight later this week; I hope so.
The day after has not been so fun, with a reaction to something that's caused a sweetener-like fit that's still in its last throes, and a few emotional tangles that appear to be becoming a Gordian knot (and we all know the only solution to one of those *sigh*), but - BUT - I'm keeping positive. I'm finding the latter painful to write about in much detail, and so I don't think I will until I've accepted there's an end in sight, but it involves Leoghann and my fading hopes that we'll get back together.
The whole idea was reawakened when I saw Alton Towers' gardens and thought, "Hey, that's where I'll be getting married- oh..." - and then I wept a little, with a tumble of determination that with my changes in nature and sexuality and mindset, something could come through. When I talked about it with Leoghann, though, he simply said that he wasn't happy with our past relationship, and was happier as friends. This is proving the hard part to accept, and it's given rise to a trembling, furious anger, regret over letting my fear in the past affect me so, and a desperate need to simply be fucked and held by someone I care about.
The whole sorry situation brings to mind a piece I came across earlier:
"Some days I hear the angels crying;
tears enough to grind down even the mountains of molehills
that we seem to be so adept at creating..."
Otherwise I am lucky, though. My faith in that, and in that I am gaining valuable experience, is proving the keystone to my mindset.
The cottages that our GM found for us - a bundle of kickass joy who is extremely fun - were clean, comfortable and beautiful, with amazing views of rolling green hills and more stars at night than I've ever seen. It was a wonderful feeling of puzzlement to meet people for the first time that I already considered friends, though because we'd fought together there was none of that first time nervousness. In fact, there was a wonderful air of congeniality, and when we weren't wandering in and out of each other's places we were sitting by the tomato plants, chatting about nothing in particular until false dawn. The plans for the next meet are already being worked out.
I also found one of the TST guildies - we'll call him Sarge - is possessed of largeness, gentleness and a geeky intelligence, all of which push my buttons a fair bit, and much hugging ensued. I'm very surprised that that the rest of the guild haven't grilled me or him yet, despite that I never used the condoms I found in my rucksack, but I'm sure it'll happen - just as I am sure that we are all firm friends now, with all the chatting and support that this entails. It looks like I may be hosting one of them overnight later this week; I hope so.
The day after has not been so fun, with a reaction to something that's caused a sweetener-like fit that's still in its last throes, and a few emotional tangles that appear to be becoming a Gordian knot (and we all know the only solution to one of those *sigh*), but - BUT - I'm keeping positive. I'm finding the latter painful to write about in much detail, and so I don't think I will until I've accepted there's an end in sight, but it involves Leoghann and my fading hopes that we'll get back together.
The whole idea was reawakened when I saw Alton Towers' gardens and thought, "Hey, that's where I'll be getting married- oh..." - and then I wept a little, with a tumble of determination that with my changes in nature and sexuality and mindset, something could come through. When I talked about it with Leoghann, though, he simply said that he wasn't happy with our past relationship, and was happier as friends. This is proving the hard part to accept, and it's given rise to a trembling, furious anger, regret over letting my fear in the past affect me so, and a desperate need to simply be fucked and held by someone I care about.
The whole sorry situation brings to mind a piece I came across earlier:
"Some days I hear the angels crying;
tears enough to grind down even the mountains of molehills
that we seem to be so adept at creating..."
Otherwise I am lucky, though. My faith in that, and in that I am gaining valuable experience, is proving the keystone to my mindset.
